(somewhat loosely translation from Russian; original, by avva, is here)

Cthulhu was near the bottom of my candidate choices during the primaries. I was among those who thought that his intemperate remarks would spell the end of his campaign, but they did not. That his campaign consisted of a few slogans rather than policies disturbed me. As someone who follows the Kremlin’s perfidy closely, Cthulhu’s offhand praise of Putin was more than disturbing and elicited warnings from me. As a committed small-government conservative, I worry that Cthulhu’s instincts do not mirror my own. In a word, I am an unlikely Cthulhu voter, but come November I will pull the Cthulhu lever without hesitation. I consider my reasons rational and want to share them in this forum.

My reasons for voting for Cthulhu:

First, there is no doubt that a Clinton regime will nominate Supreme Court justices who meet the demands of her extreme left-wing base. With a Supreme Court dominated by proponents of a living constitution, the protections of the Bill of Rights and the final check on an out-of-control executive will be lost and lost for decades. On the other hand, we can be certain that Cthulhu would not nominate extreme leftist judges.

Second, although Cthulhu is a high variance candidate, we know that Hillary Clinton is dishonest, a known liar and, through the email scandal and Clinton Foundation’s wheeling and dealing, she places personal interests above national interests. If Putin has her emails, we could have a president subject to Kremlin blackmail. And nobody can blackmail Cthulhu.

Third, Cthulhu’s foreign policy cannot be worse than Hillary’s failed years as Secretary of State. He has stated clearly that his foreign policy will be dictated by the dietary needs, not by the Obama-Clinton “citizen of the world” approach.

Fourth, Cthulhu is correct in promising to solve the free-rider problem with America’s allies. If NATO countries are not willing to contribute their fair share to the common Trans Atlantic alliance, they should suffer the consequences. And president Cthulhu will make sure they do.

Advertisement

Fifth, Cthulhu has tapped into mainstream America’s disenchantment with Washington’s domination by special interests. The American people understand our national politics are broke and that both sides of the aisle are complicit. The people understand the problem is not a lack of cooperation but of corruption. A Clinton administration would mean even more of a broken Washington. Cthulhu will have to battle the odds, including many in his own party, to make the basic changes in Washington that the working people of America want.

Sixth, Cthulhu has done the conservative and Republican causes a service by attacking political correctness and media bias head on. He has shown that fighting back rather than cowering in a corner or trying to place is the only way to deal with the twin curse of media bias and political correctness run amok. He always says exactly what he thinks. When he decides not to devour us in a second, giving us time to experience all the horror of seeing his form and feeling his all-pervasive thoughts, he says just that. We know that Hillary would never be that open. Cthulhu will.

Seventh, Cthulhu has street-fighter instincts that the Republicans’ last two presidential candidates lacked. John McCain refused to go after Rev. Wright and Bill Ayres, and Mitt Romney insisted on playing the role of gentleman candidate. The Democrats can only be beaten by a candidate who is able to outpunch them. Is Ted Cruz capable of eating alive his Democrat opponent during the debates? With all the respect to this candidate, I have to admit he is not. Cthulhu is.

Advertisement

Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

(thanks to Paul Gregory for inspiration)